Lou Reed beat me up. No joke. He had a Jell-o cube in his left hand, and a mini-quiche in his right. One in a napkin (greasy), one in his hand (slimy). The quiche he actually ate before he assaulted me. He had it in his mouth, clenched in his teeth, little bits of broccoli sticking out of his canines. But who am I to tell this to Lou Reed when he has to keep his head for a photo shoot, seeing how he just told me in all confidence (and it's no secret) how much he dreads any contact with the media? Well, he was standing there with broccoli in his teeth, and sliming me with this cube of red Jell-o, covered in whipped-cream residue from the Jell-o ambrosia it was once a part of -- well, I suppose you could even call it a sculpture -- at these industry parties they make sculptures out of EVERYTHING -- they'd make sculptures out of cocaine if it were just a LITTLE more pliant -- and it was so durn cute I hoped the photog would show up already and get the scene on Kodak.



Now, my hair is naturally brown, dark brown (used to be light brown when I was a kid but I don't leave the house much anymore), dyed black but brown (dark brown, used to be light brown) in the roots, and at the age of 24 I noticed my first ever real live gray hair, which looked very festive when Lou Reed beat me up, looked luverly there with the buttery broccoli mini-floret resting at peace in my 'do . I remember at one point Lou Reed's glasses almost fell off; his nose was shiny (I hope they fixed that in makeup) and the nosepiece of his glasses slid down the bridge of his nose. Quiche and Jell-o, greasy napkin and slimy hand, not the opportune sitch to readjust one's specs, speshly when you're beating up a dumb journalist ha ha ha! Worse, it was a party FOR Lou Reed, but Lou Reed couldn't remember whether it was for this one thing he was plugging or this other thing, but whoever was in charge of the music there pushed play on the tape the exact moment the rabble started to rouse, and it was in the middle of "Satellite of Love": "I've been told/That you've been bold/With Harry, Mark, and John." Lou Reed squinting to push his glasses back up. "Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday through Thursday/With Harry, Mark, and John." Lou Reed wincing with a "Jesus, did I WRITE that?" sort of pained shame. Poor Lou Reed! He looked around for help but since he couldn't remember the details of his own release party (busy guy) maybe he couldn't remember that Laurie Anderson (busy gal) was on a flight to Alaska to work on a talkpiece about the Iditerod! I was a little tipsy when Lou Reed beat me up, and I fell to the ground and had an olive coated with minced walnuts (?) stuck to the hind half of my skirt the rest of the night. When I got up and walked away he laughed. If anyone knew Lou Reed could be so giddy no one would buy his records. He still had broccoli in his teeth (someone get this man a toothpick!) and I didn't want to be the one to point it out. Later when I walked past him to leave he was staring into a cheese danish and muttering the word "Prague."