August 25, 2003

20 things (thanx Matos):

01. Blackout '03 only inconvenienced me in one major and noteworthy way. The blackout threw our front-door security system offline and all the data for our electromagnetic keys got erased. The security system started working again a few days later, but our keys were useless -- if we wanted to get into the building we had to buzz one of a couple of people who'd volunteered for intercom duty. Big big pain to do this every time.

<02. I finally got my new key. Highlight of my day. Really, I feel civilized again.

<03. Except then, right on time, my computer's hard drive reached capacity and the machine began to spaz out.

04. I was aware that the disk was getting full, and over the past week I've made some deletions here and there, got rid of clunky old software and not-so-good mp3s... I actually did clear up 2GB, which I thought would do me fine for a while.

05. But against my better judgment I've been downloading like mad lately. Really good stuff; ya hit up slsk for a track you need to hear again and it's just so EASY to grab the rest of the record.

06. Also my CD collection is large and poorly organized; it seems to take less time to download an album from someone with a fast connection than to get up and go find the disc myself. Yes, I'm lazy. This behavior should not be encouraged.

07. So tonight I had to delete more, move some folders over to data CDs and get 'em off my computer. The purge has officially begun. Shit's gotta go.

08. I'm kinda happy that my obsessive-compulsive "spring cleaning" nervous breakdowns are more numerous and closer between than they used to be.

09. I'm kinda upset that they come in rapturous spasms rather than slow oozes. I'd like to be a little organized all the time rather than chronically messy with occasional guilt-induced maniacal cleaning sprees.

10. But the point is they're there.

11. I've been talking with Chris about the concept of "normal" and how just about every functional person strives for a fundamental, survivalist sort of stability that exists outside of cultural values or expectations.

12. But how much of the search for normalcy is based on instinct? There's something I think I want out of life, but I'm not sure what it is. I am pretty sure that marriage/kids/manicured lawns/complacency aren't part of the picture, but up until now I've led a considerably unconventional life, and while otherness suits me well it's not always that much fun; it's sort of a drag actually. So what exactly is it that I'm craving?

13. Besides money. I mean. I don't need that much. "Enough" is enough.

14. TS: "being well-adjusted" vs. "fitting in"

15. "Well-adjusted" is more dependent on you, and the work you do to make yourself adaptable, agreeable, amenable. You live in a world with asshats, and you have to interact with them on occasion. You can rebel (and you should) but the asshats will STILL BE THERE and in a perfect existence the asshats would be sentenced to a life of painful self-examination and forced to grow the fuck up but that's just not realistic and since you've got the upper hand, being all self-aware and sophisticated already, you can relax and celebrate. Bottoms up.

16. "Fitting in": You either do or you don't. You'll know this from a pretty young age. If you don't fit in, you'll never fit in, because no matter what community you end up in, social dynamics are always always always the same and you'll inevitably find yourself positioned on the fringe (even when you're the center of attention). I could say "get used to it," but that would imply that I have. No, I'm used to being that person, but I haven't gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me.

17. getting to that point = self-defined "normalcy"?

18. As much as I hate complaining about anything, I indulge in it because it makes me feel more normal. I feel like if I don't express some problems that other people can relate to, I'll seem too happy and everyone will resent me.

19. Happiness is hard for me anyway. Always on guard for that proverbial "other shoe" falling from the sky.

20. ...